03 Jun No, not all men affected by prostate cancer are straight and no, my wife will not be picking me up after treatment
I just read an entry from Nick Wright on the Prostate Cancer UK blog entitled “Life after prostate cancer – it’s about more than surviving”, which, for me, was very inspiring. I liked the piece. I even clicked on “Like”. I’d recommend anybody interested in prostate cancer read it. But, there’s always a “but”.
I have often been inspired and encouraged by things I’ve read and heard over the last two years since first having the word “cancer” mentioned to me by my GP. On almost every occasion that inspiration has soon dissipated when the realisation dawns that, once again, what’s being spoken or written about is done without any thought that people like me might be affected by this disease.
The assumption always made is that a man with prostate cancer (a) must have a partner and (b) that partner must be a wife. Why?
Nick Wright’s piece was no exception. For example “The wives of the men on the programme played a key part in its success. And it soon became clear that they were having a tough time too”.
Nick, if you are reading this, my male partner of 30 years is having a hard time. He’s supported me all the way and is having to cope with the big changes in our life himself. He would also benefit from the great support you mention (and it is great support by the sounds of it). Language can be very inclusive and positive. It can also be very exclusive and negative.
As advised in the last paragraph of Nick’s blog entry, I did contact Prostate Cancer UK a few months back to see if there were any plans to start some sort of a support group in the London region for gay and bisexual men affected by prostate cancer. The reply amounted to “there’s no demand”. Apparently, there is demand in Birmingham where Prostate Cancer UK were recently looking for a support worker for a group it was setting up there.
I’m no expert on demographics, but I reckon it’d be a fair bet to say the London region has a larger population of gay and bisexual men than Birmingham and that it would follow that there’d be a larger number of us likely to be affected by prostate cancer in London than in Birmingham. Of course, it’s possible the person at PCUK who responded to my enquiry didn’t have a clue and genuinely thought London doesn’t have a large gay population. A bit like the old days when it was believed you’d only find a “homosexual” if there was a theatre in the town. For info, London has lots of theatres.
Luckily not everyone at PCUK is so totally unaware and unworldly. The organisation has recently published some excellent information for people like me – http://prostatecanceruk.org/information/living-with-prostate-cancer/gay-and-bisexual-men so there is hope.
It has also provided some help to at least one of the other two groups that have started in the UK in the last year, in addition to the one mentioned in Birmingham. A year ago there were no groups in this country for gay and bisexual men affected by prostate cancer, today there are three – the other two being in Manchester (Out With Prostate Cancer) and Greenwich in South-East London (Metro Walnut).
Our NHS still has a long way to go, too, when it comes to understanding that not all men with prostate cancer are straight. I’ve met some people in the NHS who have been instantly supportive when finding out I’m not straight. Unfortunately they’re still a minority. One Consultant genuinely wanted to know how prostate cancer was different (not worse) for a man who isn’t straight and was very interested when I explained. He is one of the people who is now attempting to start a support network in a region very near London for gay and bisexual men affected by all forms of cancer. At the other end of the spectrum I’ve had to repeatedly explain and repeat several times to the same people that “no, my wife will not be picking me up after treatment, my male partner will”. Assumptions being made are bad enough but when the same people insist on referring to my non existent wife it becomes very trying.
I didn’t used to bang the gay drum, well not as loudly anyway, but when you’re affected by something as major as cancer you tend to ask yourself why you’re still putting up with being ignored and excluded by organisations that are supposed to treat us all fairly and with dignity and respect. Having asked myself I decided I would no longer just put up with it. That’s one reason why I’ve written this.
Information on the three groups that currently exist in the UK for gay and bisexual men affected by prostate cancer can be found at the end of Prostate Cancer UK’s Prostate facts for gay and bisexual men.